Saturday, December 14, 2013

Don's Top Five Christmas Songs That Stink

It's Christmas time. It's that time of the year where we gather with our loved ones beside a crackling fire and drink a toast to the New Year and pray for a healthy, happiness and peace.

Doesn't it make you want to puke?

Look, before someone tells me I have lost my holiday spirit, I would argue it got lost when my local radio station began playing the same Christmas music OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER and...


Well in the spirit of all that, here is a list of Christmas songs that stink. If they stopped playing them, I would have a Merry Christmas.

Now I don't hate this song, but this one line makes me stop and shake my head:

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago

Tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago? Really?

Everytime I hear this line, I imagine a bunch of warrior dwarves (think THE HOBBIT here), drinking mead and the one with a scare where his eye used to be stands at the head of the table - "Remember the tree that did this to me?"

No! What glories?

I mean there was the year I got the Millennium Falcon for Christmas and I remember the joy I felt when I saw I got the Constructicon Devastator Transformers set, but beyond that, those weren't glories. They were just cool Christmas gifts.

I mean unless a bunch of Vikings come ashore screaming "We must stop the celebration of Christmas" and we clash, then I think we can change this lyric.

Don't you?

In this song, Elvis does his best Elvis impersonator impression.

"I-I-I-ll have-uh b-loooo Kuh-ristmass...without you..."

You can see him in the white leotard and swiveling his hips.

If you want Elvis for Christmas, enjoy the Bobby Rivers A MESSAGE FROM THE KING from Rock-n-Roll heaven as he is eating. 

I know McCartney was a Beatle and poking fun at McCartney is a bit dangerous, but this is a stupid song. The synthesizer "bzch bzch" followed by the clunky "Simply, having a wonderful Christmas time."

Just stop. I'd simply have a wonderful Christmas time if I didn't have to hear it.

(Also, I am not the only person to think that. Check out here and here.)

I have to admit I am not a Beach Boys fan (though for the record my partner on this site, Sabrina, is).

I've never liked them. I always though their "surf sound" was annoying. Then when you add whatever the heck Brian Wilson did with his life, the amount of times they fired him from the band, that annoying Lite-rock hit KOKOMO, and the fun they may or may not have had with Charles Manson, I could careless. (However, I like that song about a Sloop John B "I wanna go home..." or whatever it is).

So why do I dislike this song? For this one line:

"Christmas comes this time each year"

Everytime I hear it, I want to scream, "Really? Really? As opposed to the time when Christmas popped up in May back in 2009 and for some dang reason it popped up February 1956 because Christmas 1955 was delayed cause of inclement weather. Shut up and go surfing with that guy with the mullet from FULL HOUSE."

I grew up with the song and I grew up watching the specials and I can't deny it is catchy, so why do I hate it?

But let me share the following scenario:

Your son walks into your living room while you're reading. He says, "Hey there, you know the kid in the wheelchair next door?" And you respond, "The one you keep making fun of?" Your son says, "Yeah, I call him wheelie boy, kid crip and Handicapped Harry." You respond, "And when you had your birthday party you didn't want to invite him over and you let him sit by the fence and watch." "Oh yeah," says your son. "But that is over. I like him now." You go, "Really? Why?" "Well it turns out he is good in math and he is doing my math homework for me! So now we let him play with us!"

For the love of heaven, tell me you would backhand your son then and there!

That is the exact story told in this song.

Rudolph is born with this poor condition and his nose glows red a light. All of the other reindeer make fun of him. Nevermind, these walkin' bags of deer jerky live in the North Pole with a Saint. And this Saint's whole mission in life is to reward positive behavior with toys once a year.

Why in heaven's name are his talking reindeer making fun of another one? This is wrong!

Also, Rudolph isn't even a real reindeer in the traditional "The Night Before Christmas." He was created in 1939 by Montgomery Ward to sell coloring books.

Trust me, folks, if your kids end up like any of these people in this song then you're screwed.

Anyway, thanks for letting me gripe.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas.


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